katherthin

Right now I am studying in Europe. I should be treasuring this time and using it wisely. However, what did I do today? I sat in bed, ate, felt sorry for myself.

Something has to change- my habits, my outlook, my attitude- before my appearance can change.

I have decided, even though it may be a crazy thing to do while abroad, that I am going to embark on a 30 day water fast. Water as in good ol' H2O, tea, flavored waters, and perhaps PERHAPS the occasional vodka tonic (no beer!). Ok, I know alcohol is a big cause of weight gain, but the less I eat, the less I have to drink to feel warm and fuzzy, the less money I spend on booze, it seems to work out.

Yes, a big part of absorbing a new culture is the food, but I have five months. I need to break this pattern of binge eating and sadness and regret. Then I will be able to value food, eat ithe right foods in the right amounts.

I will use this LJ to chronicle my fast and to keep myself on track. Any encourageing comments are welcome.

Tomorrow, I buy the scale.

bingebingebingebingebingebinge. AUGH.

it' scaring me how little control i have. i'm blaming it on drunkenness, hopelessness, and cramming in whatever i can before starting down this road. this is a conscious decision to fall back, no holds barred, into anorexia. so, am i "making myself sick"? no. i have been sick, in different ways, this past year. this is me, saying that i'm tired of having "bad days", looking in the mirror and choosing clothes based on what hides my mounds and mounds of hideous fat.  i want to wear whatever the fuck i want. talk to whoever the fuck i want. eat whatever the fuck i want- as little as possible.

starting 1.15 pm sunday february 25, 7 day fast including water, decaf tea, the occasional soda. i piece of gum a day. phenterfein.

Current Mood:

indescribable